Thinking to much...

Here I go again...

I need to stop using this phrase for a few years, I've used it so many times this year that I've lost count, but that's not what I came to talk to you about. I was thinking, not that this is anything new, but I had never thought (oddly enough) about how much we think so much about our lives and the fact that we think about ourselves.

Okay, it may have been a bit confusing because it really is, and a lot, and I couldn't even understand myself. We kept going over the steps of what we could have done as if it would have some effect in some dimension parallel to the current reality because there's no hope in cases like this, where the inevitable and undesirable is already set in the past.

We have this, here and now, you and I may be sharing the same moment in time, because maybe I'm online waiting for a comment from you below or I'm just by the lake with my fingers feeling a cold wind, hoping that maybe when reading these questions of mine a much wiser soul than mine can take this small question off my shoulders, could we stop thinking? At least think so much about life or about ourselves and how much could have been and still has what can be?

I also find myself wondering if there is anyone with a soul so crazy enough to want to make a living writing, I wonder if there is anyone as thoughtful as me this morning, if there is anyone capable of trying to guess the beautiful future that awaits us, perhaps the tragic one. Because we, with restless and rebellious hearts in the face of what exists and we don't accept, are too foreign to want something that makes our imagination crease a log, we want to float in the river and see where it will take us.

It is almost impossible, I think, to want to stop traveling if by chance I decide and manage to stop thinking. It would be like asking for death even though I have so much life in my feet. It tires me out despite the infinite possibilities it brings me and even knowing the inevitable suffering I still prefer it with me, wherever there is that which disturbs me, that which moves me, saddens me, that which simply makes me reflect. Because loving and being disappointed so deeply with the same heart is all I want to have.

Even if it hurts me, even if it ends suddenly, I will have recorded and polished in my memories of my old way of thinking something good and beautiful to rethink as many times as necessary, to make me forget that I am just thinking and forgetting that I think so much and that it sometimes takes me away from the life I try so hard to learn...

Beijim 💋